January-We put in an offer on a house and didn't get it. It was a foreclosure and had nine other offers. It was an awesome house we could have lived in forever. After being fixed up, it would have been our dream house. Later we found out that we only lost it by $500.
February- We put an offer in on another house and didn't get it. This was the fifth or sixth in the last year.
March-We got a puppy! We picked up Brady early from school on his birthday and went to the Humane Society and found Bandit. We decided to stop looking at houses because it was just getting too close to the baby being born.We didn't want to move and have a baby at the same time. We did that before and didn't want to repeat it. We weren't going to look unless it was something that seemed like it could be THE house.
June-We happened to find what we thought was the perfect house for us. The location was just what we wanted and the house had so much space and the price was good bc it was another foreclosure so we put offer on house number seven and it was our fourteenth anniversary, so we were feeling lucky. One month later we had to walk away. Later we tried to buy the same house a couple more times and it never worked out.
July- Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born! Years ago there was a little girl in the nursery named Arilynn and I thought it was such a pretty name that I decided that if I ever accidentally got pregnant and happened to have a girl I would name her Arilynn. Her middle names came about because during that time in our life we were experiencing moments of great joy and excitement followed by intense discouragement and disappointment. That's how life is. You have to take what you're given and focus on the good. I always loved the quote, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." -and that's what we were learning. We were so blessed with meals from our small group and the diaper shower from Cain Halter. We're still using those diapers!
October- We've gone through 11 houses. Our house is still on the market but the last three showings haven't even made it into the house. We're very frustrated. We didn't think it would be this hard.
Jason is interviewing for a job in Shelby NC. He's been working so hard and waiting so long for a promotion, but nothing ever works out. We really want to stay in Greenville, but maybe God wants us in NC. We just don't know. He'll interview and see what happens. We went up to Shelby to check things out, but small country towns really don't appeal to us. We have to support our family and things aren't working out for us in Greenville. We just don't know what to do. Jason made the painful decision to turn down Shelby and the salary that would come with it. The money would have been life changing for us, but it wasn't a good fit for our family. I don't think we would have been happy there. The same day he finally got his promotion after 5 years of waiting and we're so happy to be able to stay in Greenville!
Faith is really enjoying drama, chorus and news crew at school and Brady and Kasey enjoy riding the Y bus every day. One day they were pretending to see red spots on each other and saying it was the measles. Their poor bus driver thought they really did have the measles and was quite worked up into a frenzy over the matter.
We were planning to go up to New England but had to cancel our trip due to financing. Within 2 months we had a baby, fixed our air conditioner, fixed our car, had some extensive dental work done, and had to pay for an appraisal and an inspection on a house we didn't even buy. It wiped out our savings account and put us in debt so we didn't think vacation would be a good idea . Maybe next year.
December- We really didn't want to move over the holidays with no money in the bank and debt, but that's what happened. We stumbled on another really great house and went for it. There were multiple offers, but we didn't get it because he didn't like the contingency of the sale of our house (our house wasn't even on the market at the time) So, we had to put our house back on the market after we unpacked most of our things thinking we would wait until February to try again.) We were still getting really negative feedback so we drastically dropped the price on our house and finally got an offer, a really low offer, but an offer. There was only one house that was worth considering at the time and it was more than we wanted to spend, but it happened to be the one that worked out. It was an incredibly stressful process and the move was rough because we didn't have much help. I'm so thankful for my in-laws and the friend and stranger who helped us move. I don't know what we would have done without them. The first night was hard. We didn't know if we made the right decision. Things didn't happen the way we were expecting and we were noticing things about the house we didn't notice before, but it has grown on us and we're quite happy with it now.
It's been a very hard and exciting year leaving us exhausted. I've learned that sometimes you have to let go of expectations and take things as they come. His ways are sure not our ways! 2014 was one of the 2 hardest years we've ever had, but it left us with a happy ending. We're thankful for Arilynn, our new house that we never thought would happen, and Jason's new position that starts in January. We have a bottle of our favorite wine that we've been saving to celebrate a new house or promotion and now we get to dust it off and celebrate both!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
an ordinary walk changed by Light.
I dreamed I was taking a walk early in the morning. Everyone was going
about their business when suddenly the light changed and all the
ordinary things became beautiful. There was a little boy with freckles
and curls playing in a tree and a group of people in the distance
dancing and the Light gave them life. The Light hit everything and
everyone perfectly in that moment and transformed all the mundane into
spectacular beauty. I woke up thinking about how all our righteousness
is as filthy rags and there is no good thing in us apart from Him and
how God is LIGHT. I woke up feeling refreshed in a joy-filled and peaceful way. I had been so sick and knew this dream was a gift.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Spiritual Antennas
I grew up in an environment where having "holy hands" was always a point of ridicule and jokes. "They only do it to draw attention to themselves". "They look like they are at a rock concert". Those kinds of people were looked down upon and made fun of. Then I got a little older and there were moments I felt like lifting my hand but I always suppressed it. Now, I go to a church where it's normal for people to do it. I watch them. They are smiling, sometimes dancing a little. I can see in their faces that they are not thinking about themselves. I see pure joy in their eyes. They are thinking about God and what He's done for them. It's touching. It encourages me and makes me smile to see someone show outward affection to God in such a public way, without shame or embarrassment. I begin thinking about this idea of public affection. What if I had a child and was not allow to show any kind of emotion towards him in public. I restrained myself from smiling at him or putting an arm around him or embracing him. It would look so cold and people would wonder if I even loved the child in the first place. We're like that in church sometimes when we sing with a stone face and restrain ourselves from raising our hand in worship. Love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, but don't show it. Don't become emotional. Don't show any kind of public affection towards our Lord and Saviour.
I raised my hand in church once. It took about all the courage I had. I was just going to raise it a little but when I started it went up all the way. It was as though I was set free. I felt like I was worshiping not only with my words but my entire being. I'm frustrated with myself for not doing it more often. It's because of pride that I don't. I'm still worried about what other people will think. It's something I'm working on.
My ten year old daughter asked me about it. She said, "Sometimes people raise their hands when they are singing and sometimes I want to, but I don't know if it's okay." We had such a great conversation about it. She does it without any reservation and it gives me courage.
I raised my hand in church once. It took about all the courage I had. I was just going to raise it a little but when I started it went up all the way. It was as though I was set free. I felt like I was worshiping not only with my words but my entire being. I'm frustrated with myself for not doing it more often. It's because of pride that I don't. I'm still worried about what other people will think. It's something I'm working on.
My ten year old daughter asked me about it. She said, "Sometimes people raise their hands when they are singing and sometimes I want to, but I don't know if it's okay." We had such a great conversation about it. She does it without any reservation and it gives me courage.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Learning to Dance in the Rain
After we had our third child my husband was all ready for that vasectomy. I wasn't so ready. I didn't want anymore children, but I just couldn't bring myself to do something permanent to prevent it. I wanted to have all the children God wanted me to have even if that meant an unexpected one. I wanted it to be His decision. I felt like I was playing God if I was the one to decide to put a permanent end to it. A few months after our third one was born I really wanted one more- another boy. I didn't want to wake up one day after it was too late, wishing I would have had one more. I knew my husband definitely did not want any more though he loved the three we had. I actually prayed that God would take that desire away from me, but instead He made it stronger. I went to my husband and told him what was on my heart and just asked him to pray and have an open mind. I was prepared to accept whatever he decided. We ended up having one more- a little boy who has brought so much joy and laughter to our home. It was perfect! -two boys and two girls. All the baby things were given away to make more room in our little house. We were happy we could still get away with three bedrooms.
The little boy is three now and we're excited about opportunities to do some traveling. The kids are finally old enough that we feel comfortable leaving them and it sure is nice being able to sleep in on the weekends! I have to confess, sometimes I see my friends with one or two and envy how they get to take trips all the time and how the kids are involved in activities. They have this lifestyle that four kids and a small income will never allow. I see all the one on one time the stay at home mom has with her only child. They get to go to the children's museum, the bounce house, the library - always some special project or outing. My kids don't have that. I begin to think how different life would be like if I would have stopped at one or two. But I love how my kids always have someone to play with and how they take care of each other and love each other. I love how my son walks his sister to her class every morning and looks for her after school. I love all the little games they come up with and how creative they are.
We had our first big vacation planned. Our only other vacation was our honeymoon to Disney a year after we were married. We were too poor to travel before the kids came and then I was always pregnant or had a newborn. Now was the time! We had so much fun, but came back with an unexpected surprise. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was happy for a moment, then terrified the next at the thought of telling my husband. I checked that calendar over and over before we left and it wasn't suppose to be able to happen. I knew he would be shocked and overwhelmed and completely stressed out over the thought of providing for one more. I didn't know if he would be angry at the situation, angry with me. What if he thought I tricked him? How am I going to work and take care of my four kids when I'm going to be sick every day for the next two months. This pregnancy is putting me at a greater risk for type 2 diabetes. How am I going to get through the gestational diabetes again! We're having a hard time finding a 3 bedroom house we can afford, now we need a 4 bedroom house. I gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby things. We have nothing for this baby. Everything was perfect and under control, now it's a complete mess. I don't want to tell anyone. People look down on big families and always make those annoying comments they think are funny. I knew God was in control, but I was afraid. I suddenly had compassion for all the women and girls who think abortion is their only way out. We are so quick to judge and say, "How can they be so selfish?" Maybe they are just afraid and since they don't want anyone to know, they don't have any support to get through it. I can see how they could believe that having an abortion would be a very difficult sacrifice in the best interest of the family. I could see how they could think that an abortion could be their Saviour- the escape from the shame and fear and no one would have to know. I told my husband two weeks after I found out. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so I e mailed him a picture. He was stressed and shocked and overwhelmed, but he was happy. The morning sickness wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still discouraging waking up every morning knowing that I would feel horrible that day and the next and the next. I was so worried about the baby, because I had a few drinks before I knew I was pregnant and I took some prescription medication that wasn't safe and then I got the flu on top of all that! Plus I'm over 35 so there's more risks associated with pregnancy.
I had an ultrasound around 12 weeks and it was amazing! The baby was so active and perfectly healthy. I thought, "Wow, this kid is extra special, because it wasn't suppose to be able to happen and all the odds were against it, but God wanted to create another person and He chose our family- He chose me. It was so intentional on God's part. I was so glad I wasn't in control, because I wouldn't be enjoying this moment. I'm still not ready to tell people, but I won't be able to hide it much longer. I don't feel like I have the strength to take care of a newborn again, but I don't have to worry about that now. I know God will either provide for us or He will give us grace to be content with our circumstances, our house and what little we have. It's not what I would have chosen for my life. I thought we would be in a different place by now.
Towards the end of my pregnancy people would often ask me if I was ready or excited. And I never knew how to respond. I didn't feel ready and I was in no hurry. I wasn't ready to give up sleeping in and having a clean house and our routine. I can tell my kids to get in the van and they do and no one needs to be carried or have help getting buckled. I was always torn between giving them the right answer or the honest answer. "No, I'm not ready. She doesn't seem real yet and I don't think I can take care of her."
Little Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born last week. It was a very easy delivery and as always, so amazing to see new life come into the world. During the pregnancy we were faced with the possibility of Down Syndrome, low birth weight and low fluid. She was born at 37 weeks and perfectly healthy. We're so in love with her. It's actually hard for me to put her down and get sleep, because I want to take care of her all the time. Even now at 2:30 am she's looking up at me wide awake and I love it. It's such a gift to have this little baby. I am so thankful for her. We named her Felicity Rainn because sometimes life gets really hard and you can't let that rob you of your happiness. You have to accept your circumstances for what they are and choose to find joy in the middle of what looks like a complete mess. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You know, not once have we looked down at that little face and thought, "I sure wish we would have had that vasectomy." Instead, we're in awe of how amazing it is that God gave her to us even though we were so unprepared. Friends have been so gracious and all her needs are met.We are so blessed.
The little boy is three now and we're excited about opportunities to do some traveling. The kids are finally old enough that we feel comfortable leaving them and it sure is nice being able to sleep in on the weekends! I have to confess, sometimes I see my friends with one or two and envy how they get to take trips all the time and how the kids are involved in activities. They have this lifestyle that four kids and a small income will never allow. I see all the one on one time the stay at home mom has with her only child. They get to go to the children's museum, the bounce house, the library - always some special project or outing. My kids don't have that. I begin to think how different life would be like if I would have stopped at one or two. But I love how my kids always have someone to play with and how they take care of each other and love each other. I love how my son walks his sister to her class every morning and looks for her after school. I love all the little games they come up with and how creative they are.
We had our first big vacation planned. Our only other vacation was our honeymoon to Disney a year after we were married. We were too poor to travel before the kids came and then I was always pregnant or had a newborn. Now was the time! We had so much fun, but came back with an unexpected surprise. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was happy for a moment, then terrified the next at the thought of telling my husband. I checked that calendar over and over before we left and it wasn't suppose to be able to happen. I knew he would be shocked and overwhelmed and completely stressed out over the thought of providing for one more. I didn't know if he would be angry at the situation, angry with me. What if he thought I tricked him? How am I going to work and take care of my four kids when I'm going to be sick every day for the next two months. This pregnancy is putting me at a greater risk for type 2 diabetes. How am I going to get through the gestational diabetes again! We're having a hard time finding a 3 bedroom house we can afford, now we need a 4 bedroom house. I gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby things. We have nothing for this baby. Everything was perfect and under control, now it's a complete mess. I don't want to tell anyone. People look down on big families and always make those annoying comments they think are funny. I knew God was in control, but I was afraid. I suddenly had compassion for all the women and girls who think abortion is their only way out. We are so quick to judge and say, "How can they be so selfish?" Maybe they are just afraid and since they don't want anyone to know, they don't have any support to get through it. I can see how they could believe that having an abortion would be a very difficult sacrifice in the best interest of the family. I could see how they could think that an abortion could be their Saviour- the escape from the shame and fear and no one would have to know. I told my husband two weeks after I found out. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so I e mailed him a picture. He was stressed and shocked and overwhelmed, but he was happy. The morning sickness wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still discouraging waking up every morning knowing that I would feel horrible that day and the next and the next. I was so worried about the baby, because I had a few drinks before I knew I was pregnant and I took some prescription medication that wasn't safe and then I got the flu on top of all that! Plus I'm over 35 so there's more risks associated with pregnancy.
I had an ultrasound around 12 weeks and it was amazing! The baby was so active and perfectly healthy. I thought, "Wow, this kid is extra special, because it wasn't suppose to be able to happen and all the odds were against it, but God wanted to create another person and He chose our family- He chose me. It was so intentional on God's part. I was so glad I wasn't in control, because I wouldn't be enjoying this moment. I'm still not ready to tell people, but I won't be able to hide it much longer. I don't feel like I have the strength to take care of a newborn again, but I don't have to worry about that now. I know God will either provide for us or He will give us grace to be content with our circumstances, our house and what little we have. It's not what I would have chosen for my life. I thought we would be in a different place by now.
Towards the end of my pregnancy people would often ask me if I was ready or excited. And I never knew how to respond. I didn't feel ready and I was in no hurry. I wasn't ready to give up sleeping in and having a clean house and our routine. I can tell my kids to get in the van and they do and no one needs to be carried or have help getting buckled. I was always torn between giving them the right answer or the honest answer. "No, I'm not ready. She doesn't seem real yet and I don't think I can take care of her."
Little Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born last week. It was a very easy delivery and as always, so amazing to see new life come into the world. During the pregnancy we were faced with the possibility of Down Syndrome, low birth weight and low fluid. She was born at 37 weeks and perfectly healthy. We're so in love with her. It's actually hard for me to put her down and get sleep, because I want to take care of her all the time. Even now at 2:30 am she's looking up at me wide awake and I love it. It's such a gift to have this little baby. I am so thankful for her. We named her Felicity Rainn because sometimes life gets really hard and you can't let that rob you of your happiness. You have to accept your circumstances for what they are and choose to find joy in the middle of what looks like a complete mess. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You know, not once have we looked down at that little face and thought, "I sure wish we would have had that vasectomy." Instead, we're in awe of how amazing it is that God gave her to us even though we were so unprepared. Friends have been so gracious and all her needs are met.We are so blessed.
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