Learning to Dance in the Rain

After we had our third child my husband was all ready for that vasectomy. I wasn't so ready. I didn't want anymore children, but I just couldn't bring myself to do something permanent to prevent it. I wanted to have all the children God wanted me to have even if that meant an unexpected one. I wanted it to be His decision. I felt like I was playing God if I was the one to decide to put a permanent end to it. A few months after our third one was born I really wanted one more- another boy. I didn't want to wake up one day after it was too late,  wishing I would have had one more. I knew my husband definitely did not want any more though he loved the three we had. I actually prayed that God would take that desire away from me, but instead He made it stronger. I went to my husband and told him what was on my heart and just asked him to pray and have an open mind. I was prepared to accept whatever he decided. We ended up having one more- a little boy who has brought so much joy and laughter to our home. It was perfect! -two boys and two girls. All the baby things were given away to make more room in our little house. We were happy we could still get away with  three bedrooms.

 The little boy is three now and we're excited about opportunities to do some traveling. The kids are finally old enough that we feel comfortable leaving them and it sure is nice being able to sleep in on the weekends!  I have to confess, sometimes I see my friends with one or two and envy how they get to take trips all the time and how the kids are involved in activities. They have this lifestyle that four kids and a small income will never allow. I see all the one on one time the stay at home mom has with her only child. They get to go to the children's museum, the bounce house, the library - always some special project or outing.  My kids don't have that. I begin to think how different life would be like if I would have stopped at one or two. But I love how my kids always have someone to play with and how they take care of each other and love each other. I love how my son walks his sister to her class every morning and looks for her after school. I love all the little games they come up with and how creative they are.

We had our first big vacation planned. Our only other vacation was our honeymoon to Disney a year after we were married. We were too poor to travel before the kids came and then I was always pregnant or had a newborn. Now was the time! We had so much fun, but came back with an unexpected surprise. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was happy for a moment, then terrified the next at the thought of telling my husband. I checked that calendar over and over before we left and it wasn't suppose to be able to happen. I knew he would be shocked and overwhelmed and completely stressed out over the thought of providing for one more. I didn't know if he would be angry at the situation, angry with me. What if he thought I tricked him?  How am I going to work and take care of my four kids when I'm going to be sick every day for the next two months. This pregnancy is putting me at a greater risk for type 2 diabetes. How am I going to get through the gestational diabetes again!  We're having a hard time finding a 3 bedroom house we can afford, now we need a 4 bedroom house. I gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby things. We have nothing for this baby.  Everything was perfect and under control, now it's a complete mess. I don't want to tell anyone. People look down on big families and always make those annoying comments they think are funny. I knew God was in control, but I was afraid. I suddenly had compassion for all the women and girls who think abortion is their only way out. We are so quick to judge and say, "How can they be so selfish?" Maybe they are just afraid and since they don't want anyone to know, they don't have any support to get through it. I can see how they could believe that having an abortion would be a very difficult sacrifice in the best interest of the family. I could see how they could think that an abortion could be their Saviour- the escape from the shame and fear and no one would have to know.  I told my husband two weeks after I found out. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so I e mailed him a picture. He was stressed and shocked and overwhelmed, but he was happy. The morning sickness wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still discouraging waking up every morning knowing that I would feel horrible that day and the next and the next. I was so worried about the baby, because I had a few drinks before I knew I was pregnant and I took some prescription medication that wasn't safe and then I got the flu on top of all that! Plus I'm over 35 so there's more risks associated with pregnancy.

 I had an ultrasound around 12 weeks and it was amazing! The baby was so active and perfectly healthy. I thought, "Wow, this kid is extra special, because it wasn't suppose to be able to happen and all the odds were against it, but God wanted to create another person and He chose our family- He chose me. It was so intentional on God's part. I was so glad I wasn't in control, because I wouldn't be enjoying this moment. I'm still not ready to tell people, but I won't be able to hide it much longer. I don't feel like I have the strength to take care of a newborn again, but I don't have to worry about that now. I know God will either provide for us or He will give us grace to be content with our circumstances, our house and what little we have. It's not what I would have chosen for my life. I thought we would be in a different place by now.


Towards the end of my pregnancy people would often ask me if I was ready or excited. And I never knew how to respond. I didn't feel ready and I was in no hurry. I wasn't ready to give up sleeping in and having a clean house and our routine. I can tell my kids to get in the van and they do and no one needs to be carried or have help getting buckled. I was always torn between giving them the right answer or the honest answer. "No, I'm not ready. She doesn't seem real yet and I don't think I can take care of her."

Little Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born last week. It was a very easy delivery and as always, so amazing to see new life come into the world. During the pregnancy we were faced with the possibility of Down Syndrome, low birth weight and low fluid. She was born at 37 weeks and perfectly healthy. We're so in love with her. It's actually hard for me to put her down and get sleep, because I want to take care of her all the time. Even now at 2:30 am she's looking up at me wide awake and I love it. It's such a gift to have this little baby. I am so thankful for her. We named her Felicity Rainn because sometimes life gets really hard and you can't let that rob you of your happiness. You have to accept your circumstances for what they are and choose to find joy in the middle of what looks like a complete mess. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You know, not once have we looked down at that little face and thought, "I sure wish we would have had that vasectomy."  Instead, we're in awe of how amazing it is that God gave her to us even though we were so unprepared. Friends have been so gracious and all her needs are met.We are so blessed.