David

Lord, your heavy hand demanding justice seems cruel and I know it's just because my ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts.  Show me grace in the Old Testament. I know it's there. Help me to see it.  I continue in 2 Samuel reading of David's life. There's a story that stays with me.  David went to talk to Shimei ,  a friend of his son, Absalom who was trying to take over his kingdom. That alone was breaking his heart. When David and his servants arrived, Shimei came out  cursing and throwing stones at David, accusing him of being a murderer, which he was. David's soldiers offered to kill the man cursing him. David said, "No, God told him to curse me." David knew the man was right. He was all those things  (a murderer), and He knew there were consequences for what he had done. He owned it. David and his men walked away heading toward  home. Shimei didn't let them go, he followed David cursing him along the way, continually throwing stones at him- at the king! The men continued to walk wearily.  David never defended himself or made excuses. He thought maybe the Lord would bless him because of the mistreatment of Shimei all the while reminding himself God told the man to curse him. David never pointed out Shimei's sin to him, making  him aware of the hypocrisy. David walked. He was exhausted. He was a man after God's own heart.

Sometimes God sends someone to remind us of our sin and in that person's brokenness he forgets his own sinful state. It's not our place to be defensive. Own it.  It's not our place to convict. " Yeah, well you...."  Keep walking, maybe God will bless you because of their cursing.

The legalist is always harder on other people than he is on himself, so he can feel better about his own state, but the Spirit-led Christian demands more of himself than he does of others so he can glorify God in his humility because he knows God is his standard.

Conflict between Christians

Conflict between a Christian and non Christian is easy- you show them grace and respond with  truth in love with a humble spirit. Why is it so difficult when conflict arises between two believers? The response should be the same. What if one demonstrates these qualities while the other reacts in anger and pride, unwilling to be a part of restoration? I think it's because we want justice. It's easier to show mercy toward someone who doesn't know better and demand justice from someone who does.  It's not wrong to be angry when justice is not brought about. God demands justice and we are made in His image. It is our responsibility to live at peace with all as much as it depends on us, which means sometimes we do our part and it's not possible. This is when we need to remember that God is our avenger who brings about justice, but He is also a God of mercy. We have to let it go at that point.

I'm struggling through this now. Not with anger toward another person. I know he felt he dealt with the situation properly. He didn't. He didn't deal with the problem when it became a problem for him. He let it go for a long time and held on to the anger and resentment. When he finally did address the issue out of necessity he was filled with pride and lacking in grace. It was as though his imagination engulfed his humility and ran away with him. I prayed before I responded . I owned my part and apologize. It's not the conflict that bothers me, because there will always be conflict at some point and it's not his sin that bothers me because I sin all the time. It's the inability to have restoration. I feel sorry for people that throw away friendships so easily when there could easily be restoration. if it wasn't for pride. I had been praying and reading my Bible and God told me," You did what you could to restore peace, You did not repay evil for evil, you did not tell him to get the beam out of his eye, (even though I knew you wanted to), you are not trying to avenge yourself, and you rejoice in the hope of restoration in the future. You can never  bring about justice until one's anger is made right and that is beyond your control when it is not you. Are you trying to gain the approval of ME or man? Be at peace.

2016

We had such an amazing year! Jason finally got that huge promotion he's been working so hard for and I just adore cleaning the same things over and over again, especially the pee on the bathroom floor. What a blessing to be able to serve my family in that way! Of course, we spent part of the summer at the beach all of us dressed in white and khaki, constantly smiling and taking selfies. Just kidding, none of that happened, actually.....




January began the year with our marriage falling apart. I use to think it not a big deal to hear couples announce twenty year anniversaries, but I get it now. For couples to stay married for twenty plus years and for both participants to be happy about it is quite an accomplishment and represents a lot of work.

February brought our first visit from DSS. I picked the kids up from school and noticed Cailen had new clothes and shoes on and all the kids were really excited about it. He's one of my kids that I have to ask everyday if he has underwear on. Sometimes he does, sometimes he lies, and sometimes I'm just trying to get everyone from point A to point B. That day he slipped by. They questioned Cailen, and then they questioned the other kids. To make a long story short, DSS showed up unexpectedly,  heard our side of the story, had a good laugh, and that was that. However, with all the conflict going on in our marriage and now conflict with the teachers, it was more than I could handle.

In February we officially became members of the church we had been attending for the past couple years. While listening to our meeting with one of the pastors and hearing our stories Brady decided to become a Christian later that night.

March brought adventure in the form of a family road trip to all the Southern states. We visited 8 states in 7 days and I'm pretty sure all the kids caught a bad case of wanderlust that will likely last a lifetime. I was able to catch up with a friend I hadn't seen in about twenty years, meet some cousins and spend time with my aunt and uncle. I miss them. I miss drinking coffee around the kitchen table in the morning and drinking not coffee outside in the evening.

April gave us new experiences. Brady and I did a color run with some friends.  It was Brady's first 5K and his time was 35 min. One friend was suppose to be there, but was battling some personal demons, so her husband ran in her place. And there was that other friend who is always running late, but she made it.....eventually. It was a fun day, but so many emotions.

May had a funny story. We were driving to school one morning and Cailen said, "Oh no! We need to bring dog things to school! Brady said, "dogs like socks! Here, take this sock." and he picked up a random dirty sock from the floor of the van, and then Kasey said, "dogs like water, take this water bottle!" and she picked up her half full plastic water bottle from days before. I figured Cailen was learning about dogs in school and he had to bring things to share. A little unconventional, but it was sweet how his siblings helped him out with his project. Later I found out his class was collecting dog things to donate to the Humane Society. My relationship with Cailen's teacher continues to grow.

June was an opportunity for a do over. I always wanted to run off and get married by the sea, but never had the opportunity, so we set off for the pacific northwest and renewed our vows among , rugged black rocks being rhythmically beaten with clear, turquoise water. It was a beautiful place called Cape Perpetua. The subtle event wasn't filled with romantic emotion, but it was real. The occasion was in a place of wonder, peace, and potential danger, much like life. Professing new vows didn't solve all our problems and erase all the hurt, but it was a new commitment and a new beginning.  We still struggle.

July gave us Evelyn and the kids. They moved in fourth of July weekend. People warned us about their bad experiences of having friends move in and how it destroyed relationships, but I gained a sister during that five month time and I think we both helped each other in different ways.

October was a fulfilled dream...sort of. We spent a weekend in GA hiking the beginning of the  Appalachian Trail. I was having some difficulty with depression  at the time and there were barriers in our communication. I believe the place we stayed was struggling with depression as well. It was really horrible. We felt like we accomplished the thing we set out to do, but it was a sad reminder that marriage takes a lot of maintenance and you can't get things in order and expect everything to stay that way as you coast through life.

November gave us an expensive plumbing emergency, lice for the kids for the 522nd time and a car accident. It's a mystery to me how the impact was so small and the damage so great. It was actually the most positive car accident I've ever experienced. We were able to buy a new old van with our insurance money later to find out that the van was a year older, had more mileage on it than was disclosed, and needed about $2,000 worth of work. Kids, when you go out and buy a car have a mechanic check it out first even if you're really busy.

November is also the month of my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving is one that is still pure and filled with love and hasn't been overcome with materialism and greed, at least not yet. We had the best time this year with many people from diverse backgrounds , beautiful stories, and beautiful souls.  Evelyn and the kids moved out that week. It was bittersweet. It was nice to put my house back in order, but it did feel like a big piece of my family was missing. We love them.

December Usually gives us a lot of much needed quality time together but this year on the first day of Jason's vacation his car didn't start and he spent the whole week trying to get that figured out. He was able to buy a new old car on his last day before going back to work.

And always December brings time for reflection. The biggest struggle I've had this past year is pushing all my feelings down because I don't want to feel and  I don't want to hurt anyone, but as a result, I created a war within myself. I'm learning a lot about the proper way to be angry with someone, we first have to deal with our own sinful anger from the injustice, forgive the other person, and then go talk to them, because only then can we constructively show mercy, bring justice, and move forward. I felt as though I was pushed past my limits this year in so many different ways. I experienced crying out to God to give me more love for people and the ability to show more grace. It was not in my own strength. I was far too stretched beyond what I was able.

Ecclesiastes 7:8 "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning,
    and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit."

Happy Halloween

I hear people say that Halloween cannot glorify God and that is why they do not take part. I respect others convictions and understand why they would feel that way and I admire them for standing by their convictions when they are in a minority. However, when I began to think about it, some people do not glorify God when they go to church and some do glorify God when they celebrate Halloween. If one's motive for church attendance is  to gain favor with God, feel more religious, or merely do what Christians do they are not glorifying God. And, if a family participates in Halloween activities by  being creative, bonding with family and building relationships in the community then they do glorify God. For centuries Christians have been taking pagan culture and redeeming it much like God has done to us. Many of our old hymns are sung to old bar songs and many of our Christmas and Easter symbols and traditions come from pagan roots. Some Christians celebrate Halloween the same way Atheists  celebrate Christmas.  I think we need to be careful when we say some things are not redeemable. We need to examine our motives and remind ourselves that our motives are not all the same and show each other grace. 

You Have To Share!

"You have to share!" I've said these words countless times, but this time it was different.  It was those two words, "have to" that arrested my attention. I felt as though I was implying, "Yes, it's yours and you are entitled to it, but I'm going to guilt you into loving someone out of obligation."  And then God said, "No, you get to share!"  That child had an opportunity to experience the joy of giving and serving another person in love, but he didn't see it from that perspective and quite often neither do we. Jesus said if we do it to the least of these we  do it unto Him. Last week I was walking, caring three bags and a toddler who forgets she can walk at the most inconvenient times. A random person carried one of my bags for me. That's a really small thing, but one that will probably stay with me. Look around you! There are people all over that are in need of things or love and just wish you would share.

Random Thoughts on Marriage and the Trinity

I think about God creating us in His image in terms of marriage. One gender can not encompass all that is represented in the Trinity. A man and a woman compliment each other in a way that gives us a glimpse of the mystery. I think about the two of them coming together in marriage and unity creating life which reminds me  all members of the Trinity were present in the beginning, creating life. Amazing. It's no wonder Satan is working so hard to destroy marriage, gender, and unborn babies.

The Bahama Emergency Children's Hostel- My experience with the orphans

A week before our vacation we came up with the idea of visiting and volunteering at an orphanage. We knew Nassau was a poor island and in good conscience I couldn't enjoy the beauty and and luxury while ignoring the poverty that lay just beyond. I pulled up a list of orphanages on the computer Saturday morning and Jason contacted one and got a quick response from Nakita from the Bahama Emergency Children's Hostel. We were surprised how quickly things fell in place for us to go. The night before we were to port, the cruise director made several announcements about being careful venturing out on our own. We were warned to not wear any flashy jewelry, which was not a problem. We were nervous about taking a cab and the warnings didn't help. We arrived in Nassau the next morning, gathered our back pack and two plastic Walmart bags full of towels and socks for the kids, grabbed our passports and headed off the ship. We walked past all the tourists and the ship excursions over to a group of men to find someone to take us to the orphanage. They asked us where we wanted to go assuming we were headed to the beach and were eager to take us. We could tell our destination caught them off guard. We told them we wanted to go to the Children's Hostel and a tall, strong man stepped out of the group as if emerging from the shadows and said, "I know where that is. Follow me."  He walked briskly. It was hard to keep up as we walked farther and farther away from safety and security. He wore a black winter hat and dark sunglasses. It was warm and rainy that morning. We got to his van. I saw the word "taxi" very small on the outside. We reluctantly got in and the doors closed. We were quite nervous and tried to talk to ease the tension, but he clearly didn't want to talk to us. He was on his phone trying to get a hold of someone. We felt as if we were in a very dangerous situation and were completely at his mercy as we rode farther inland not knowing if he was taking us where we wanted to go or somewhere else. We finally saw the hostel and were so relieved. We asked him how much we owed him and it was nearly $50, all the cash we had. It was as though he intuitively knew exactly what was in our wallet and took all of it. We didn't know how we were going to get back to port, but we reached our destination and it was like a beacon in a dark place. They welcomed us in with such joy and warmth. We got to meet Nakita and she hugged us as if she knew us and was so grateful we had come. Here in the South there is a culture of morality. The difference between the saved and unsaved is blurry. In Nassau it was as night and day. We told Nakita about our taxi experience and gave her the things we brought for her and then she took us to see the children. As soon as I walked in the door a little boy's arm wrapped itself around my leg and refused to let go as I walked. I knew he would be the one I would love and want to take home, but instead leave and probably never see again. He wanted me to pick him up and every time I tried to set him down he said, "no". I obliged. Eventually he did get down and started playing with Jason. Finally wearing himself out he snuggled into Jason's lap tried to sleep. His name was James. Half the kids there had cerebral palsy. I don't know what the stats are for that disability, but I know that 90% of down syndrome babies are aborted because the parents don't think they can handle it or they think they will have a poor quality of life. I don't know what will happen to all the disabled orphans when they age out of the system. If we are truly pro-life how should we as Christians respond to these orphans with disability? I don't know. It's a tough question to wrestle with. We played with the children. They were all in a small room. One was playing with a brush and a broken comb another was holding a piece of plastic bread that was broken. They had a lot of books and a tv that had Tom and Jerry playing. The couches they sat on were so worn you could see the wooden frame. After a few hours of playing, it was time to say good bye to James and the other children. We could tell he didn't want us to leave. In a way it seemed cruel to play with him and show affection and then walk away. When they were done cleaning the facility they showed us around. It was very clean and simple. There weren't many toys. I would say fewer than 10 that we saw and there are 30 kids living there. Everything they had was so worn out. Nakita arranged for their personal bus driver, Mr. Williams to take us back to port which was such a blessing. We asked him to take us to a bank because we wanted to pay him something, but the ATM wouldn't work. The director of the orphanage rode with us. She had to stop at each of the schools to get permission for the kids to miss school to eat on one of the cruise ships. She didn't want them to miss out on that experience. So we got a personal tour and got to listen to Mr Williams talk about God, the culture and the children. He told us about the big Christmas parade called the Junkanoo that they do every year and how grand it is. I wish we could have seen it! He talked about how thankful he is that he can never go hungry because there are fruits and nuts in the trees in everyone's yard. He talked about how we are all equal and we belong to God so he can walk down the street and not be afraid. He talked about how children are a blessing and how the Bible is all about loving God and loving others and meeting each others needs out of our abundance. Mr. Williams was a treasure. He dropped us off near the port in the tourist area which was a very different Nassau than what we had seen. We went back on to the ship with much less that we had left with which was much different than everyone else. Over the last few years we've been wanting to get involved as a family in a charity. The ones in the Greenville area are so well taken care of by all the local churches that I didn't really feel like I was needed, we definitely feel like we can make a difference at the Children's Hostel and will continue to do what we can for them. I can't wait to go back! God calls us all to do something. What is He calling you to do?