I don't think any parent is prepared for the heartache of raising children- those moments of trying to get them to obey, apologize and mean it, deal appropriately with anger or not so simply getting them to eat their dinner. In those moments the children don't see the quiet tears and desperate prayers. It you love your child, there will be heartache.
I remember a time when Faith was a baby. I laid her down on the bed next to me and just looked in amazement at this little five and a half pound baby. I had never held a baby that small and we waited so long for her. I just couldn't believe she was really mine. Even though I was twenty six, I still felt like a child myself. I knew it was a rather insignificant moment, but one that I would always remember.
That sweet little baby quickly turned into a not so sweet three year old and no books or parenting classes could have prepared me for that. I thought when a child threw a temper tantrum, you disciplined them, talked to them and that was that. Problem solved. Little did I know that the tantrum would continue, resulting in kicking, screaming, throwing hard objects at me, last for hours at a time and happen frequently. There were many times I cried in my room with the door closed, frustrated that I tried everything I knew and nothing seemed to help, wondering how she was going to turn out when I didn't know how to correct her behavior.
Now she's nine. It's like she's a different person, so sweet and teachable. She still struggles and I still fail her, but when she gets frustrated and yells at her siblings I can talk to her about anger. We talk about better ways to deal with frustration and I tell her I have a hard time with that too. She lives with me, she knows. They must think I'm such a hypocrite at times- yelling at them to stop yelling. She got saved a few years ago and I can tell she has an inward desire to do right. It's not because of my amazing parenting ability, it's because of God's grace in her life. There's no doubt about that. I'm thankful and blessed to be a tool He uses to help her.
In a way, I'm thankful for that very difficult year when she was three. I'm thankful she was more than I could handle and I'm thankful I didn't know what to do, because I can't give myself credit for how she's turning out and I can't give her credit for always being good. I'm still burdened for my children and I still fail them daily and I still try everything I know and sometimes it's still not enough, but I know they belong to God and He loves them. He imagined them in His heart and created them just the way they are. I can look back and see how God has taken care of Faith and know He is taking care of the others even if I can't see it clearly yet. Maybe God doesn't want us to be perfect parents. I know with me it would become a source of pride and I would give myself the glory. I know He expects us to do our best and trust Him with His children. I think He just wants us to continually point them to Him while being humble and honest about our own struggles. Maybe we spend too much time pretending to be perfect while expecting them to be the same. I'm learning it's more about being patient and long suffering and gentle and honest and making sure they know that you will always love them unconditionally. The more aware I am of my own sinfulness and the grace God shows me, the more I can love them the way that I should. We have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses, shouldn't our children have parents that can sympathize with theirs?
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