Spear Throwers

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."


     I just finished reading, "When You've Been Wronged" by Erwin Lutzer. The author wrote about a group of people he referred to as spear throwers. I've encountered many of these people in my life. We know we should ask for forgiveness and we know we should forgive those who ask us, but what about the people that hurt us and don't acknowledge they did any wrong. How can we forgive them? That's what I struggled with for years. I would take responsibility for the wrong I did, but they would respond with " I accept your apology" (which is far easier to say than I forgive you) or "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did or said, but...". (Not exactly an apology) So how do you move on? I was trying to forgive, but the relationship was not restored and the other person would not admit any wrong doing. So I would let go of the anger the best I could and continue the relationship as if nothing had happened only to be hurt again and continue the cycle. The only way to have a good relationship with spear throwers is for you to take all the blame and do everything on their terms. So I have distanced my self from some of the people in my life because I know there will never be complete reconciliation. That doesn't mean I stay angry and avoid them. It means there will probably never be a real friendship unless they humble themselves and ask for forgiveness which I should always be ready to give. It means I show kindness to them when I do see them and it means I'm happy for them when good things come into their life.

     A person can't restore a relationship with a spear thrower because "They are not bound by fairness, truthfulness, decency, or respect. You can't reason with them, you can't meet them on a level playing field."  Lutzer says it's ok to set up boundaries for people that continually sow discord in your life. Sometimes it's hard for me to differentiate between setting up healthy boundaries and trying to avoid the person because I haven't completely forgiven them. For me, the test of true forgiveness is how I react to hearing news about them. Am I happy when something good happens to them or do I think they don't deserve it? When I hear that they are struggling with their marriage, do I secretly smile or do I pray for them? Pray that I will have wisdom to know how much distance there needs to be and that I will learn what God wants to teach me through their lives.

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."