I grew up in an environment where having "holy hands" was always a point of ridicule and jokes. "They only do it to draw attention to themselves". "They look like they are at a rock concert". Those kinds of people were looked down upon and made fun of. Then I got a little older and there were moments I felt like lifting my hand but I always suppressed it. Now, I go to a church where it's normal for people to do it. I watch them. They are smiling, sometimes dancing a little. I can see in their faces that they are not thinking about themselves. I see pure joy in their eyes. They are thinking about God and what He's done for them. It's touching. It encourages me and makes me smile to see someone show outward affection to God in such a public way, without shame or embarrassment. I begin thinking about this idea of public affection. What if I had a child and was not allow to show any kind of emotion towards him in public. I restrained myself from smiling at him or putting an arm around him or embracing him. It would look so cold and people would wonder if I even loved the child in the first place. We're like that in church sometimes when we sing with a stone face and restrain ourselves from raising our hand in worship. Love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, but don't show it. Don't become emotional. Don't show any kind of public affection towards our Lord and Saviour.
I raised my hand in church once. It took about all the courage I had. I was just going to raise it a little but when I started it went up all the way. It was as though I was set free. I felt like I was worshiping not only with my words but my entire being. I'm frustrated with myself for not doing it more often. It's because of pride that I don't. I'm still worried about what other people will think. It's something I'm working on.
My ten year old daughter asked me about it. She said, "Sometimes people raise their hands when they are singing and sometimes I want to, but I don't know if it's okay." We had such a great conversation about it. She does it without any reservation and it gives me courage.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Learning to Dance in the Rain
After we had our third child my husband was all ready for that vasectomy. I wasn't so ready. I didn't want anymore children, but I just couldn't bring myself to do something permanent to prevent it. I wanted to have all the children God wanted me to have even if that meant an unexpected one. I wanted it to be His decision. I felt like I was playing God if I was the one to decide to put a permanent end to it. A few months after our third one was born I really wanted one more- another boy. I didn't want to wake up one day after it was too late, wishing I would have had one more. I knew my husband definitely did not want any more though he loved the three we had. I actually prayed that God would take that desire away from me, but instead He made it stronger. I went to my husband and told him what was on my heart and just asked him to pray and have an open mind. I was prepared to accept whatever he decided. We ended up having one more- a little boy who has brought so much joy and laughter to our home. It was perfect! -two boys and two girls. All the baby things were given away to make more room in our little house. We were happy we could still get away with three bedrooms.
The little boy is three now and we're excited about opportunities to do some traveling. The kids are finally old enough that we feel comfortable leaving them and it sure is nice being able to sleep in on the weekends! I have to confess, sometimes I see my friends with one or two and envy how they get to take trips all the time and how the kids are involved in activities. They have this lifestyle that four kids and a small income will never allow. I see all the one on one time the stay at home mom has with her only child. They get to go to the children's museum, the bounce house, the library - always some special project or outing. My kids don't have that. I begin to think how different life would be like if I would have stopped at one or two. But I love how my kids always have someone to play with and how they take care of each other and love each other. I love how my son walks his sister to her class every morning and looks for her after school. I love all the little games they come up with and how creative they are.
We had our first big vacation planned. Our only other vacation was our honeymoon to Disney a year after we were married. We were too poor to travel before the kids came and then I was always pregnant or had a newborn. Now was the time! We had so much fun, but came back with an unexpected surprise. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was happy for a moment, then terrified the next at the thought of telling my husband. I checked that calendar over and over before we left and it wasn't suppose to be able to happen. I knew he would be shocked and overwhelmed and completely stressed out over the thought of providing for one more. I didn't know if he would be angry at the situation, angry with me. What if he thought I tricked him? How am I going to work and take care of my four kids when I'm going to be sick every day for the next two months. This pregnancy is putting me at a greater risk for type 2 diabetes. How am I going to get through the gestational diabetes again! We're having a hard time finding a 3 bedroom house we can afford, now we need a 4 bedroom house. I gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby things. We have nothing for this baby. Everything was perfect and under control, now it's a complete mess. I don't want to tell anyone. People look down on big families and always make those annoying comments they think are funny. I knew God was in control, but I was afraid. I suddenly had compassion for all the women and girls who think abortion is their only way out. We are so quick to judge and say, "How can they be so selfish?" Maybe they are just afraid and since they don't want anyone to know, they don't have any support to get through it. I can see how they could believe that having an abortion would be a very difficult sacrifice in the best interest of the family. I could see how they could think that an abortion could be their Saviour- the escape from the shame and fear and no one would have to know. I told my husband two weeks after I found out. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so I e mailed him a picture. He was stressed and shocked and overwhelmed, but he was happy. The morning sickness wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still discouraging waking up every morning knowing that I would feel horrible that day and the next and the next. I was so worried about the baby, because I had a few drinks before I knew I was pregnant and I took some prescription medication that wasn't safe and then I got the flu on top of all that! Plus I'm over 35 so there's more risks associated with pregnancy.
I had an ultrasound around 12 weeks and it was amazing! The baby was so active and perfectly healthy. I thought, "Wow, this kid is extra special, because it wasn't suppose to be able to happen and all the odds were against it, but God wanted to create another person and He chose our family- He chose me. It was so intentional on God's part. I was so glad I wasn't in control, because I wouldn't be enjoying this moment. I'm still not ready to tell people, but I won't be able to hide it much longer. I don't feel like I have the strength to take care of a newborn again, but I don't have to worry about that now. I know God will either provide for us or He will give us grace to be content with our circumstances, our house and what little we have. It's not what I would have chosen for my life. I thought we would be in a different place by now.
Towards the end of my pregnancy people would often ask me if I was ready or excited. And I never knew how to respond. I didn't feel ready and I was in no hurry. I wasn't ready to give up sleeping in and having a clean house and our routine. I can tell my kids to get in the van and they do and no one needs to be carried or have help getting buckled. I was always torn between giving them the right answer or the honest answer. "No, I'm not ready. She doesn't seem real yet and I don't think I can take care of her."
Little Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born last week. It was a very easy delivery and as always, so amazing to see new life come into the world. During the pregnancy we were faced with the possibility of Down Syndrome, low birth weight and low fluid. She was born at 37 weeks and perfectly healthy. We're so in love with her. It's actually hard for me to put her down and get sleep, because I want to take care of her all the time. Even now at 2:30 am she's looking up at me wide awake and I love it. It's such a gift to have this little baby. I am so thankful for her. We named her Felicity Rainn because sometimes life gets really hard and you can't let that rob you of your happiness. You have to accept your circumstances for what they are and choose to find joy in the middle of what looks like a complete mess. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You know, not once have we looked down at that little face and thought, "I sure wish we would have had that vasectomy." Instead, we're in awe of how amazing it is that God gave her to us even though we were so unprepared. Friends have been so gracious and all her needs are met.We are so blessed.
The little boy is three now and we're excited about opportunities to do some traveling. The kids are finally old enough that we feel comfortable leaving them and it sure is nice being able to sleep in on the weekends! I have to confess, sometimes I see my friends with one or two and envy how they get to take trips all the time and how the kids are involved in activities. They have this lifestyle that four kids and a small income will never allow. I see all the one on one time the stay at home mom has with her only child. They get to go to the children's museum, the bounce house, the library - always some special project or outing. My kids don't have that. I begin to think how different life would be like if I would have stopped at one or two. But I love how my kids always have someone to play with and how they take care of each other and love each other. I love how my son walks his sister to her class every morning and looks for her after school. I love all the little games they come up with and how creative they are.
We had our first big vacation planned. Our only other vacation was our honeymoon to Disney a year after we were married. We were too poor to travel before the kids came and then I was always pregnant or had a newborn. Now was the time! We had so much fun, but came back with an unexpected surprise. When I saw the positive pregnancy test I was happy for a moment, then terrified the next at the thought of telling my husband. I checked that calendar over and over before we left and it wasn't suppose to be able to happen. I knew he would be shocked and overwhelmed and completely stressed out over the thought of providing for one more. I didn't know if he would be angry at the situation, angry with me. What if he thought I tricked him? How am I going to work and take care of my four kids when I'm going to be sick every day for the next two months. This pregnancy is putting me at a greater risk for type 2 diabetes. How am I going to get through the gestational diabetes again! We're having a hard time finding a 3 bedroom house we can afford, now we need a 4 bedroom house. I gave away all my maternity clothes and all our baby things. We have nothing for this baby. Everything was perfect and under control, now it's a complete mess. I don't want to tell anyone. People look down on big families and always make those annoying comments they think are funny. I knew God was in control, but I was afraid. I suddenly had compassion for all the women and girls who think abortion is their only way out. We are so quick to judge and say, "How can they be so selfish?" Maybe they are just afraid and since they don't want anyone to know, they don't have any support to get through it. I can see how they could believe that having an abortion would be a very difficult sacrifice in the best interest of the family. I could see how they could think that an abortion could be their Saviour- the escape from the shame and fear and no one would have to know. I told my husband two weeks after I found out. I couldn't bring myself to say the words so I e mailed him a picture. He was stressed and shocked and overwhelmed, but he was happy. The morning sickness wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still discouraging waking up every morning knowing that I would feel horrible that day and the next and the next. I was so worried about the baby, because I had a few drinks before I knew I was pregnant and I took some prescription medication that wasn't safe and then I got the flu on top of all that! Plus I'm over 35 so there's more risks associated with pregnancy.
I had an ultrasound around 12 weeks and it was amazing! The baby was so active and perfectly healthy. I thought, "Wow, this kid is extra special, because it wasn't suppose to be able to happen and all the odds were against it, but God wanted to create another person and He chose our family- He chose me. It was so intentional on God's part. I was so glad I wasn't in control, because I wouldn't be enjoying this moment. I'm still not ready to tell people, but I won't be able to hide it much longer. I don't feel like I have the strength to take care of a newborn again, but I don't have to worry about that now. I know God will either provide for us or He will give us grace to be content with our circumstances, our house and what little we have. It's not what I would have chosen for my life. I thought we would be in a different place by now.
Towards the end of my pregnancy people would often ask me if I was ready or excited. And I never knew how to respond. I didn't feel ready and I was in no hurry. I wasn't ready to give up sleeping in and having a clean house and our routine. I can tell my kids to get in the van and they do and no one needs to be carried or have help getting buckled. I was always torn between giving them the right answer or the honest answer. "No, I'm not ready. She doesn't seem real yet and I don't think I can take care of her."
Little Arilynn Felicity Rainn was born last week. It was a very easy delivery and as always, so amazing to see new life come into the world. During the pregnancy we were faced with the possibility of Down Syndrome, low birth weight and low fluid. She was born at 37 weeks and perfectly healthy. We're so in love with her. It's actually hard for me to put her down and get sleep, because I want to take care of her all the time. Even now at 2:30 am she's looking up at me wide awake and I love it. It's such a gift to have this little baby. I am so thankful for her. We named her Felicity Rainn because sometimes life gets really hard and you can't let that rob you of your happiness. You have to accept your circumstances for what they are and choose to find joy in the middle of what looks like a complete mess. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." You know, not once have we looked down at that little face and thought, "I sure wish we would have had that vasectomy." Instead, we're in awe of how amazing it is that God gave her to us even though we were so unprepared. Friends have been so gracious and all her needs are met.We are so blessed.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
2013 -A Year in Review
January- Jason applied for a job in Delonega, GA the end of 2012 and in January, he found out the position had been filled. There was also an associate executive position that was very likely in Spartanburg, but they decided to restructure instead of hire someone new.
February- Due to a miscommunication we found out that the Spartanburg job is still a possibility, but we are very doubtful that it will work out though it seems like it would be a good fit.
We got to try archery with our friend, Noelle and had so much fun! I want to do it again.
March- We decided that we want to rent our house and move closer to the Y. We found a house right behind the Y property. We could have easily walked there. We made an offer but there was another offer on the house and we didn't get it.
We found out Brady didn't get into Brushy Creek again this year, but he's on the waiting list.
The Spartanburg job didn't work out.
We got to go to Charleston. We were back and forth about weather or not we should go due to the weather. We decided to go since Jason's parents were here and it would be nice to get away, but it was so cold and windy!
When we got back, the kids got their first real pet- a little bunny Cailen named Chocolate Chip.
May- A position in Duncan SC opened up and Jason applied. It was a good location for us because we wouldn't have to move out of the area, but we're already disappointed that he didn't get the job. It's really hard to get excited because so many have fallen through. This is the eighth time he's had opportunity for promotion. Most of those have been within the last two years.
We found out Brady is fifth on the waiting list and they said that was a good thing. The school was very optimistic about him getting in this year, so we were encouraged by that.
We're still looking for a house, but there isn't anything for us right now. We're enjoying fixing up our yard
while we wait.
June- Jason made it into the top 10 for the Duncan job, but didn't get it. We're still looking for a house. The waiting is hard.
Brady didn't get into Brushy Creek but he has a really great teacher this year. She's someone I've known for years through the Y and I'm so glad he has her.
September- We changed churches. I don't think people realized how difficult of a decision that was for us. Not only to leave a good church that we've been a part of for 8 years, but to leave a certain type of church that was comfortable for something very different. I'm afraid we've lost friends in the process, not because they were upset that we left, but because we're not a part of their church anymore. We're still struggling to get use to such a big church and it's taking longer to get to know people and feel connected, but we're glad we're there and the kids are doing great.
I saved for 6 months so Brady and I could go up in a hot air balloon for my birthday. We tried 4 times to go up , but the weather just wouldn't cooperate. We'll try again someday.
October- Jason applied for a job in Asheville and another opportunity in Greenville. We were really excited about the possibility of moving to Asheville because it wasn't too far away so moving would be less complicated and we would still be able to see our friends. I was excited about cooler and snowier weather. Unfortunately, he didn't get the Asheville job. We were really disappointed because we would have loved to live there.
Since the job and the house weren't working out and the kids were getting older, we figured it was time to do some traveling. We were too poor to travel before we had kids so maybe now is the time for that. We have a list of places we want to go and are excited.
November- We went on our first big trip to the Caribbean. The water was so beautiful- that's what I wanted to see. We had a really nice time and we're excited about all the other places we will get to see. We went to Grand Cayman and Cozumel Mexico.
When we got home we got a call from Brady's school and they had some K-4 kids move away and they had a spot for Kasey. That was so unexpected and we were all so excited for her to start school. Brady and Kasey had a new bond being in the same school. He walks her to class every morning and looks for her as soon as school gets out. It's really sweet to see them like that.
A couple weeks after vacation, the day Kasey started school I found out we were going to have another baby. It was a shock and we could not be more unprepared. I gave away all my maternity clothes and baby things. We have nothing and we live in a 1,400 sq ft 3 bedroom house with almost no yard. I guess the traveling will be put on hold.
December- We found a house in a really nice neighborhood with a huge back yard- over 1/2 an acre. It almost made me cry to see the kids running around with so much space to play. I wanted to be able to give that to them. They've never had that at our house. It needed A LOT of cosmetic work, but it was at the low end of what we wanted to spend so we decided to make an offer. Our realtor informed us that there were already multiple offers, so we let it go.
A couple days after Christmas our realtor sent us some info on a house. We went to look at it a couple hours later and she came and let us in the house and we made an offer that night. It has everything we wanted and we're so excited.
There are some issues with the appraisal because of the condition of the house so it's getting complicated and the house might need more work than we initially thought, so now we're not sure and we're waiting to see how it plays out.
We're trying to be content and trust God, but He doesn't promise us that we will have a bigger income and a 4 bedroom house with a big yard for our kids. Maybe He wants us to stay here another year and keep waiting. Life just feels so out of control right now. I hope 2014 is the year everything falls into place.
February- Due to a miscommunication we found out that the Spartanburg job is still a possibility, but we are very doubtful that it will work out though it seems like it would be a good fit.
We got to try archery with our friend, Noelle and had so much fun! I want to do it again.
March- We decided that we want to rent our house and move closer to the Y. We found a house right behind the Y property. We could have easily walked there. We made an offer but there was another offer on the house and we didn't get it.
We found out Brady didn't get into Brushy Creek again this year, but he's on the waiting list.
The Spartanburg job didn't work out.
We got to go to Charleston. We were back and forth about weather or not we should go due to the weather. We decided to go since Jason's parents were here and it would be nice to get away, but it was so cold and windy!
When we got back, the kids got their first real pet- a little bunny Cailen named Chocolate Chip.
May- A position in Duncan SC opened up and Jason applied. It was a good location for us because we wouldn't have to move out of the area, but we're already disappointed that he didn't get the job. It's really hard to get excited because so many have fallen through. This is the eighth time he's had opportunity for promotion. Most of those have been within the last two years.
We found out Brady is fifth on the waiting list and they said that was a good thing. The school was very optimistic about him getting in this year, so we were encouraged by that.
We're still looking for a house, but there isn't anything for us right now. We're enjoying fixing up our yard
while we wait.
June- Jason made it into the top 10 for the Duncan job, but didn't get it. We're still looking for a house. The waiting is hard.
Brady didn't get into Brushy Creek but he has a really great teacher this year. She's someone I've known for years through the Y and I'm so glad he has her.
September- We changed churches. I don't think people realized how difficult of a decision that was for us. Not only to leave a good church that we've been a part of for 8 years, but to leave a certain type of church that was comfortable for something very different. I'm afraid we've lost friends in the process, not because they were upset that we left, but because we're not a part of their church anymore. We're still struggling to get use to such a big church and it's taking longer to get to know people and feel connected, but we're glad we're there and the kids are doing great.
I saved for 6 months so Brady and I could go up in a hot air balloon for my birthday. We tried 4 times to go up , but the weather just wouldn't cooperate. We'll try again someday.
October- Jason applied for a job in Asheville and another opportunity in Greenville. We were really excited about the possibility of moving to Asheville because it wasn't too far away so moving would be less complicated and we would still be able to see our friends. I was excited about cooler and snowier weather. Unfortunately, he didn't get the Asheville job. We were really disappointed because we would have loved to live there.
Since the job and the house weren't working out and the kids were getting older, we figured it was time to do some traveling. We were too poor to travel before we had kids so maybe now is the time for that. We have a list of places we want to go and are excited.
November- We went on our first big trip to the Caribbean. The water was so beautiful- that's what I wanted to see. We had a really nice time and we're excited about all the other places we will get to see. We went to Grand Cayman and Cozumel Mexico.
When we got home we got a call from Brady's school and they had some K-4 kids move away and they had a spot for Kasey. That was so unexpected and we were all so excited for her to start school. Brady and Kasey had a new bond being in the same school. He walks her to class every morning and looks for her as soon as school gets out. It's really sweet to see them like that.
A couple weeks after vacation, the day Kasey started school I found out we were going to have another baby. It was a shock and we could not be more unprepared. I gave away all my maternity clothes and baby things. We have nothing and we live in a 1,400 sq ft 3 bedroom house with almost no yard. I guess the traveling will be put on hold.
December- We found a house in a really nice neighborhood with a huge back yard- over 1/2 an acre. It almost made me cry to see the kids running around with so much space to play. I wanted to be able to give that to them. They've never had that at our house. It needed A LOT of cosmetic work, but it was at the low end of what we wanted to spend so we decided to make an offer. Our realtor informed us that there were already multiple offers, so we let it go.
A couple days after Christmas our realtor sent us some info on a house. We went to look at it a couple hours later and she came and let us in the house and we made an offer that night. It has everything we wanted and we're so excited.
There are some issues with the appraisal because of the condition of the house so it's getting complicated and the house might need more work than we initially thought, so now we're not sure and we're waiting to see how it plays out.
We're trying to be content and trust God, but He doesn't promise us that we will have a bigger income and a 4 bedroom house with a big yard for our kids. Maybe He wants us to stay here another year and keep waiting. Life just feels so out of control right now. I hope 2014 is the year everything falls into place.
Being Remembered
When you ask someone, "What do you want to be remembered for?" They will usually respond that they want to be remembered as someone who is compassionate, a giver, gracious, etc. But what do we spend most of our days accomplishing? - cleaning house, catching up on tv, working out, hobbies, etc. How much time do we really spend on those qualities that we consider most important? What do you want to be remembered for?
All You Need is Love
I'm currently reading the book, "Running Scared" by Edward Welch. I came across the sentence -"Sometimes we are anxious about the future because there is no larger agenda that occupies us in the present. Love, however, is an expansive agenda." This came at an interesting time. I had just finished celebrating my birthday by spending my money on random acts of kindness. I could see the truth of this statement in my life. When my focus was on loving others by showing acts of kindness- thinking and praying about the recipients, my anxiety about life was gone because love was greater than my anxiety. When my birthday was over and all my cards were given out and life returned to normal, I became more anxious and discontented with my circumstances and where I am in life.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Scizophrenia Over the Modern Church
Our regular church didn't have an evening service last week so we took the opportunity to do something we've been wanting to do for a couple years- visit a more "modern" church. You know the type, jeans, long hair, drums, etc. We were curious. When we walked into the building the dialogue in my head kept alternating between, "Wow, these are regular people being themselves and coming together to worship, how refreshing." and "I can't believe Christians would dress like that for church! Don't they know it's not appropriate." As far as the music, "That's too worldly" and "I love this! finally music in church that leads me to worship." I was disgusted with myself for my prejudice and judgmental attitude. Honestly, I really enjoyed the preaching, the music was great and I would like to go back.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Parenting- The Blessing of Love and Heartache
I don't think any parent is prepared for the heartache of raising children- those moments of trying to get them to obey, apologize and mean it, deal appropriately with anger or not so simply getting them to eat their dinner. In those moments the children don't see the quiet tears and desperate prayers. It you love your child, there will be heartache.
I remember a time when Faith was a baby. I laid her down on the bed next to me and just looked in amazement at this little five and a half pound baby. I had never held a baby that small and we waited so long for her. I just couldn't believe she was really mine. Even though I was twenty six, I still felt like a child myself. I knew it was a rather insignificant moment, but one that I would always remember.
That sweet little baby quickly turned into a not so sweet three year old and no books or parenting classes could have prepared me for that. I thought when a child threw a temper tantrum, you disciplined them, talked to them and that was that. Problem solved. Little did I know that the tantrum would continue, resulting in kicking, screaming, throwing hard objects at me, last for hours at a time and happen frequently. There were many times I cried in my room with the door closed, frustrated that I tried everything I knew and nothing seemed to help, wondering how she was going to turn out when I didn't know how to correct her behavior.
Now she's nine. It's like she's a different person, so sweet and teachable. She still struggles and I still fail her, but when she gets frustrated and yells at her siblings I can talk to her about anger. We talk about better ways to deal with frustration and I tell her I have a hard time with that too. She lives with me, she knows. They must think I'm such a hypocrite at times- yelling at them to stop yelling. She got saved a few years ago and I can tell she has an inward desire to do right. It's not because of my amazing parenting ability, it's because of God's grace in her life. There's no doubt about that. I'm thankful and blessed to be a tool He uses to help her.
In a way, I'm thankful for that very difficult year when she was three. I'm thankful she was more than I could handle and I'm thankful I didn't know what to do, because I can't give myself credit for how she's turning out and I can't give her credit for always being good. I'm still burdened for my children and I still fail them daily and I still try everything I know and sometimes it's still not enough, but I know they belong to God and He loves them. He imagined them in His heart and created them just the way they are. I can look back and see how God has taken care of Faith and know He is taking care of the others even if I can't see it clearly yet. Maybe God doesn't want us to be perfect parents. I know with me it would become a source of pride and I would give myself the glory. I know He expects us to do our best and trust Him with His children. I think He just wants us to continually point them to Him while being humble and honest about our own struggles. Maybe we spend too much time pretending to be perfect while expecting them to be the same. I'm learning it's more about being patient and long suffering and gentle and honest and making sure they know that you will always love them unconditionally. The more aware I am of my own sinfulness and the grace God shows me, the more I can love them the way that I should. We have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses, shouldn't our children have parents that can sympathize with theirs?
I remember a time when Faith was a baby. I laid her down on the bed next to me and just looked in amazement at this little five and a half pound baby. I had never held a baby that small and we waited so long for her. I just couldn't believe she was really mine. Even though I was twenty six, I still felt like a child myself. I knew it was a rather insignificant moment, but one that I would always remember.
That sweet little baby quickly turned into a not so sweet three year old and no books or parenting classes could have prepared me for that. I thought when a child threw a temper tantrum, you disciplined them, talked to them and that was that. Problem solved. Little did I know that the tantrum would continue, resulting in kicking, screaming, throwing hard objects at me, last for hours at a time and happen frequently. There were many times I cried in my room with the door closed, frustrated that I tried everything I knew and nothing seemed to help, wondering how she was going to turn out when I didn't know how to correct her behavior.
Now she's nine. It's like she's a different person, so sweet and teachable. She still struggles and I still fail her, but when she gets frustrated and yells at her siblings I can talk to her about anger. We talk about better ways to deal with frustration and I tell her I have a hard time with that too. She lives with me, she knows. They must think I'm such a hypocrite at times- yelling at them to stop yelling. She got saved a few years ago and I can tell she has an inward desire to do right. It's not because of my amazing parenting ability, it's because of God's grace in her life. There's no doubt about that. I'm thankful and blessed to be a tool He uses to help her.
In a way, I'm thankful for that very difficult year when she was three. I'm thankful she was more than I could handle and I'm thankful I didn't know what to do, because I can't give myself credit for how she's turning out and I can't give her credit for always being good. I'm still burdened for my children and I still fail them daily and I still try everything I know and sometimes it's still not enough, but I know they belong to God and He loves them. He imagined them in His heart and created them just the way they are. I can look back and see how God has taken care of Faith and know He is taking care of the others even if I can't see it clearly yet. Maybe God doesn't want us to be perfect parents. I know with me it would become a source of pride and I would give myself the glory. I know He expects us to do our best and trust Him with His children. I think He just wants us to continually point them to Him while being humble and honest about our own struggles. Maybe we spend too much time pretending to be perfect while expecting them to be the same. I'm learning it's more about being patient and long suffering and gentle and honest and making sure they know that you will always love them unconditionally. The more aware I am of my own sinfulness and the grace God shows me, the more I can love them the way that I should. We have a High Priest who can sympathize with our weaknesses, shouldn't our children have parents that can sympathize with theirs?
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