Fear is a word I use to describe the church I grew up in and the childhood that went with it. I remember hearing sermons about Hell and going home afraid even though I knew I was a Christian. There were many sleepless nights spent in fear over the rapture and trying to pray enough to feel saved. I was terrified and I felt guilty because I didn't feel the way I was suppose to. Of course, I had to smile at church, because Christians are suppose to be happy, right? I lived in fear worrying about what bad things would happen when God would punish me for my sins. I tried really hard, but I was always afraid. There were times I worked on Wednesday evenings. I got off in time to go to church, but instead I would sit in my car and wait for my parents to drive past and then go home. I felt guilty for not going. It wasn't that I didn't want to go to church, I just didn't want to go to that church. I didn't understand God's love. God was really scary to me.
Lately I've been studying, reading, and thinking a lot about grace. Last Saturday when I was running I was thinking about how God can't be angry with me when I sin because He poured out His wrath on the cross. Then I started thinking about how God can't even punish me for my sin because Jesus paid the price. He doesn't even hold it against me because He chose to forget. That's freedom! Freedom from trying to earn blessings and freedom from fear of judgment. I know these things have been in my head for a long time, but they're finally starting to get into my heart. I feel like I can almost understand. There are consequences for our sin, but it's out of love to bring us back to Him and restore fellowship. Sometimes that can be painful, but it's always what's best for us and it's always out of love. It frustrates me that I can't comprehend how much God loves me. What little I do understand of God's love amazes me and makes me love Him more and myself less. It makes all the cares of this world seem so small. I wonder if sometimes we're afraid to completely embrace grace because we would have to admit that we have no control, and we all like to think we have control. My pastor preached on Hell last Sunday. For the first time, I didn't leave church in fear. I left with a better understanding of grace, because the more I understand God's anger the more I understand His love. The more I understand God's love, the more love I have for others and the easier it is to forgive them. I don't live in fear like I use to. I have joy that I've never had before! It's like falling in love, except more real.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19
No comments:
Post a Comment